Posted in in charge

My Children just will not listen to me!

Posted by Meg Parkinson on 16 March 2016

Following are some tips to help you when your children just won't listen to your instructions

Give your instructions simply

To get children to tune into what you have to say we need to follow the advice of successful advertisers. You've only got a few seconds say the headline only. Coca-Cola doesn't say, we think you'll like Coca-Cola, it is black and fizzy, it was developed by scientists in Germany for medicinal purposes etc. etc. They say: Coca-Cola is the best drink, buy it now!
When a child is misbehaving you're lucky to get their attention at all, so don't push it by trying to explain WHY they have to change what they are doing. They won't be listening. You will be wasting oxygen and words. Teaching, or filling in the 'why' is for later when everyone is calm and not misbehaving.

Give instructions once only

Giving instructions once, is about being assertive and in charge, repeating yourself actually puts the child in charge. It tells them that you have got nothing else but to keep repeating yourself.

Give instructions clearly

Giving the instruction clearly is about telling the child what you want them to do. We often tell children what we don't want them to do, which is too abstract for a child who is misbehaving.
Children change their behaviour more easily through replacement not erasure. It is too much to expect them to just stop behaviour without giving them something to replace it with.
E.g. Instead of, "Stop running in the house!!" say, "Sam, walk in the house. Thank-you."

Remember: Say thank-you at the end of the instruction, not please or 'O.K?'  Saying thank you is polite and sends the message that you expect it to happen. It stops you from raising your voice at the end, which changes your clear directive into a question. Children are clever, if you ask them a question they know they have the right to answer either way!

Posted in: being assertive Saying no to children in charge Children not listening to instructions parenting tips defiance getting along  

Are your children STILL not listening to you?

Posted by Meg Parkinson on 15 July 2013

This week we’re going to get straight to the solution.
It is ……… STOP TALKING!

Think of when you are misbehaving. Are you really in the best frame of mind to listen to people telling you what you should be doing and why you should be doing it? No? Well, children are the same. To get children to change their behaviour, we have to stop telling and start acting.

  

  Remember: Just telling (and telling again) is no more than a wish or a nag



What you can do:

1. Tell your child what you do expect from them, when everyone is calm.
If you do this during the misbehaviour no-one will be listening. You will be wasting oxygen and words.
2. State the consequences clearly, that means: what will happen if the child does, and does not do, what you require.
Remember, having a positive consequence in place is much more motivating for a child to do what is expected. Setting the consequences during calm times will help you remember to do this.
E.g. After making yourself a snack, you need to clean up after yourself. If you do, you can have your favourite snack twice in a week. If you don’t, then you can only choose a piece of fruit from the bowl or have nothing.

Some important points:

1. Don’t expect your child to like the new expectation. They sometimes require children to make an effort in an area where they are not used to.

2. Write it down or draw it – so everyone can be reminded.
3.  Remind them, just before you expect them to follow it. This will remind them of the plan and make it easier for them to succeed.
4. If they still chose not to follow your expectation, you don’t have to lecture, just remind them of the negative consequence that you agreed upon.
5. FOLLOW THROUGH - ensure the consequence is experienced whether it is positive or negative.  This is not easy. It’s important to stay positive and not criticize or blame the child for not following the standard – just give the consequence that you have already discussed.

6. Make the consequences relate – consequences work best if they are linked to the behaviour (for example, not brushing your teeth means no sweets, as opposed to missing time on the computer).

7. Do not bluff – you must do what you say. Don’t let no mean – “not yet, pester me and I’ll say yes.”

Dealing with misbehaviour while it is happening is extremely difficult, very stressful, and often doesn't produce the results that you are hoping for. Working within a system, and knowing how to use consequences so that they actually work for you, helps you come up with solutions to reduce misbehaviour that has become stressful.

Posted in: being assertive in charge Children not listening to instructions  

Last Chance to attend Smart Parenting Classes for 2013

Posted by Meg Parkinson on 5 July 2013

Learn simple, easily applied and practical techniques that reduce behaviours causing frustration, anxiety, stress and irritation.

Making family life work can be pretty complicated these days because our lives are moving so much faster now. Every parent experiences upheavals, sleepless nights and behavioural challenges with their children. Feelings of frustration, powerlessness, stress, anxiety and guilt are common to all parents who are trying their best to raise their children.

PEPA Smart Parenting allows you to take the positive steps necessary to assist your family to grow and develop together with confidence and understanding. Children whose parents know and use the  PEPA Smart Parenting techniques, have fewer behaviour problems, are more resilient, get along better with friends, do better academically and can even have better physical health.

  

PEPA Smart Parenting Group Classes

Classes are structured, interactive, practical and fun. They run over 3 consecutive weeks so that you will have the opportunity to practise at home between classes. (click the heading for more info)

 

Essentials of Discipline - How Children are like Hair: what you can do to manage yours, yet still allow it to be healthy and bouncy
Nurture resilient, responsible and happy children

 

 

Crucial Communication for Co-operation and Calm: what is soft is strong
Build and maintain relationships that mean your children are more likely to listen to and respond to what you say

 

Simple Steps to Solutions to Stressful Situations
You can be effective in turning misbehaviour into positive behaviour

 


For more information go to www.pepa.com.au or please feel free to contact me directly.

Warm Regards,

Meg

 

Posted in: being assertive in charge Children not listening to instructions parenting tips parenting classes getting along  

How do I get my child to share?

Posted by Meg Parkinson on 17 April 2013

How can I get my child to share? 
 

I’m not Sharing!


Sharing your prized possessions happily, especially with siblings, is a skill that can take a long time to master. Following is an idea that you can use to make the process a bit easier.
One of the best ways to encourage sharing is to let children know they don’t have to. They don’t have to share EVERYTHING, that is.

 

Why not?
It can actually teach us to be more responsible for our possessions if we have a sense of ownership.
Having things we value that are our own can give a sense of belonging and importance.
Most adults don’t want to and are not expected to share everything. We choose what we are prepared to share.


What to do:
Get your child or children to sort their toys, pens,  games etc. into groups of things your child does not want to share at all and things he or she is happy to share. Let them put all the ‘not sharing’ toys and possessions in a special place.  Let everyone know which toys are for sharing and which ones aren’t.
Explain that this is a flexible arrangement, it does not mean that they will always have to share the toys in the sharing group or that they can never share the ‘only for me’ possessions.  At the beginning you might try re-sorting the groups each week or each fortnight. You might even notice more things turning up in the sharing group after a while.


Note:
• If you have more than one child over 3 years, it is best for everyone to sort their toys and possessions.
• If you have children under 3 years old, it is wise to continue to use distraction as well when they want to use their siblings’ or playmates’ toys  that are not for sharing.
• Make sure you do a ‘sort’ before friends come over to play, to reduce fights and to prepare your child for the ‘sharing duty’ ahead.


In my next blog, I will share another idea to help with sharing.

In the meantime, feel free to share this article!
 

 

Posted in: in charge parenting tips sharing getting along  

My children just won't listen to me!

Posted by Meg Parkinson on 4 March 2013

Hello and welcome to the PEPA Smart Parenting blog

Following are some tips to help you when your children just won't listen to your instructions

Give your instructions simply

To get children to tune into what you have to say we need to follow the advice of successful advertisers. You’ve only got a few seconds – say the headline only. Coca-Cola doesn't say, we think you'll like Coca-Cola, it is black and fizzy, it was developed by scientists in Germany for medicinal purposes etc. etc. They say: Coca-Cola is the best drink, buy it now!
When a child is misbehaving you’re lucky to get their attention at all, so don’t push it by trying to explain WHY they have to change what they are doing. They won’t be listening. You will be wasting oxygen and words. Teaching, or filling in the ‘why’ is for later when everyone is calm and not misbehaving.

Give instructions once only

Giving instructions once, is about being assertive and in charge, repeating yourself actually puts the child in charge. It tells them that you have got nothing else but to keep repeating yourself.

Give instructions clearly

Giving the instruction clearly is about telling the child what you want them to do. We often tell children what we don’t want them to do, which is too abstract for a child who is misbehaving.
Children change their behaviour more easily through replacement not erasure. It is too much to expect them to just stop behaviour without giving them something to replace it with.
E.g. Instead of, “Stop running in the house!!” say, “Sam, walk in the house. Thank-you.”

Remember: Say thank-you at the end of the instruction, not please or ‘O.K?’  Saying thank you is polite and sends the message that you expect it to happen. It stops you from raising your voice at the end, which changes your clear directive into a question. Children are clever, if you ask them a question – they know they have the right to answer either way!
 

In my next blog I will be sharing some more ideas explaining what to do if you still find yourself repeating your instructions over and over.
 

Note: My next set of classes in Paddington, Brisbane, begin in April. 
 

• For more information about how attending the course can benefit you and your family, click here


• For more information about how you can learn all the ideas and strategies at home and at your own pace, with my NEW ONLINE COURSE, click here.
 

Posted in: being assertive in charge Children not listening to instructions parenting tips parenting classes  
info@thriveparenting.com.au