Children who get too much validation for being good find it very difficult to handle the tiniest mistake without feeling they are failures. These children, if they do make a mistake, are apt to lie, or worse, avoid activities that they are not sure they will succeed at to cover the fact they are not perfect.
Is your child being good to win approval? Or are you blessed with a sensible little person who always seems to get it right?
Things to do and say to ensure your child doesn't become an approval seeker:
1. Don't compare. Don't say, 'Look at your sister, she is sitting up well.' Or, 'Why can't you be good like your brother/cousin?' It makes the 'bad' child feel bad and therefore act 'bad' and it puts pressure on the 'good' child to please you.
2. Use encouragement. Notice progress and effort rather than results. Say, 'You are working hard at keeping your room tidy' instead of 'good boy'. Separate the behaviour from the person. That is, keep what people do, separate from who they are, so that a bad behaviour does not make the person bad, nor a good behaviour make a person good. This is very important for self- esteem.
3. Say 'Try again!' to let your children know that it is ok to make a mistake and that they are wonderful opportunities to learn. Create a ritual during car trips/ dinner of having everyone take turns sharing a mistake and what they learned from it.
4. Make sure your children get the message that ANYONE can fall down, but it takes courage to get up and try again.
5. Don't let your children get away with avoiding new activities. Let them know they can decide to stop an activity after at least three or four activities. This will help to reduce the likelihood of your child not taking risks in case they are not the 'best'.
Teach that a mistake is just that, a mis/take. It is impossible to grow and learn without making them..... and that is what being a kid is all about isn't it?
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What's great about this is it can be done at any time. No one will notice. Simply use the thumb of one hand and press around the palm of the other hand. It's very soothing.
By pushing your palms together and holding for five to ten seconds, you give your body "proprioceptive input," according to Brukner, which "lets your body know where it is in space."
It is said that 80 percent of sensory stimulation comes in through the eyes, so shutting them every now and then gives your brain a much-needed break. Highly sensitive people can benefit from staying in bed with their eyes closed. They don't have to be sleeping. Having the eyes closed allows for some chill time and a break from being bombarded with stimulation.
To do this you breathe in to a count of five through your mouth and then you let out a very loud sigh.
Bring your hands, arms extended, in front of you, then bring the arms down. Next bring your arms (still extended) to your sides and then down. Next bring your arms all the way past your head and then swoop down allowing your head to dangle between your knees and hung there for a second. This exercise is extremely effective at releasing the tension we hold in different parts of our body.
Did you know that a ten-second hug a day can change biochemical and physiological forces in your body that can lower risk of heart disease, combat stress, fight fatigue, boost your immune system, and ease depression? You can begin by giving yourself a hug. By squeezing your belly and back at the same time, you are again giving yourself proprioceptive input (letting your body know where you are in space), which can help stabilize you.
Another great exercise to ground kids (and adults) with sensory integration issues, according to Brukner, is the wall push, where you simply push against the wall with flat palms and feet planted on the floor for five to ten seconds. Placing the weight of our body against a solid, immobile surface and feeling the pull of gravity is stabilizing, even on a subconscious level.
If you do yoga, the superman pose is basically the airplane position, except the arms and the hands are stretched out in front of you, not to the sides. Lie on your tummy on the floor. Extend your arms in front of you, and hold them straight out. Extend your legs behind you and hold them straight out. Hold that pose for ten seconds. It's a great exercise if your child is sleepy, overexcited, distracted, or antsy.
Did you know that animals relieve their stress by shaking? Lots of animals shake off their fear after being frozen in panic to escape a predator. So give it a go, get your children to get their shake on!
The Bubble Breath is very simple and calming.
Breathe in for five seconds, out for five seconds.
Imagine you have a wand of bubbles. When you breathe out, be careful not to pop it.
Place one flat palm on your heart, one flat palm on your belly.
Breathe in through your nose and hold your breath for five seconds.
Breathe out a large "bubble" though pursed lips, blow out for five seconds.
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Following are some more suggestions to help take the ;scary' out of technology use:
1. Require access to all email and social media accounts and know your children's passwords:
Let them know UP FRONT that you'll check text messages, emails and social media accounts. It's not spying on them you are giving them fair warning that you'll be checking to help keep them safe.
2. Implement a technology curfew:
Phones, computers and gaming devices must be turned off during meals and by an agreed upon time each night. " Technology blackout" times encourage families to do things together and forces children to get creative with their free time. It also means that they are more likely to sleep at night instead of staying up using their devices. Once you have spoken about this with your children, you can use parental control apps to schedule locks on all devices if you think that is necessary. Remember though, that the goal is to help your children learn self- restraint.
3. You can make bedrooms off-limits for technology:
Require that computers and smartphones be used in public spaces and charged in a central area like the kitchen.
Be very clear about the positive and negative consequences. If your child follows your house's standards be sure to find a way to recognize their efforts, verbal encouragement is ok but spending time together doing something your child enjoys is great. If your child won't comply with your technology standards, the devices go away for a break, again for a previously agreed on time. This means they might have to use the computers at school for homework and go back to the most basic mobile phone without texting capability and internet access.
5. Set an example as good digital citizens:
Forty-six percent of kids have seen Mum or Dad use the phone during dinner, and 49 percent don't see anything wrong with it. If the kids witness you doing it, they will assume its approved behavior. That means no texting while driving (not even at red lights!), or it's safe to assume your kids will follow suit when it's their turn behind the wheel.
6. Find apps that encourage impulse control and creativity:
Remember that technology can have a positive effect on children and their families.
This can occur when it is used for a balance of learning, communication and entertainment, when parents are very clear about what they are comfortable with in terms of technology use and when they stick to the boundaries they set .. without succumbing to peer pressure.
Remember that learning using technology is more rewarding and engaging than traditional learning and can be very helpful if your child needs repetition to learn. It can promote social engagement during games if children are playing together or by talking about the games they play. Some apps are being developed now that are designed to increase attention and improve impulse control, thus counteracting the main detrimental effects to development that technology can cause.
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Every child deals with some form of anxiety at some point in their life, whether that's monsters under the bed, to failure at school, or being afraid they won't fit in. Although these are usually short-lived and a normal part of childhood, sometimes anxieties can linger and worsen to an extent where they begin to impact a child's everyday life.
Separation, social situations, failure, criticism or tests, getting physically hurt, anxiety about not being perfect, world events, wellbeing of family members.
Some people are more likely to be anxious because it runs in the family (just like eye colour). People can also learn to think and behave in an anxious way by watching others, or by going through experiences that the child perceives as scary. Certain things in a child's environment might also increase the child's chances of becoming anxious for example, if a parent is inadvertently overprotective of a shy child it might help the child in the short term, but can increase the child's anxiety overall, or if the child senses any difficulties that the parents might be going through. Unfortunately, the more anxious parents become about their child's anxiety, the more anxious the child often becomes.
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Thrive Parenting would like to thank Jennifer Birch for writing this article for us! We hope that you find it useful.
Our kids are growing up in a startling time one that sadly, their parents may not be completely familiar with. Every day, kids are discovering new ways to connect and new platforms through which they can experience the world around them. It's harrowing to think that nowadays, they can use their phones to send messages and pictures that nobody will ever trace, affording them privacy that generations before them could only have dreamed of, while making it all the more difficult for parents to keep an eye on them.
Recent studies have shown that adults now spend more time on their phones than they do watching TV, and things may have come full circle for us. With too much gadget usage said to cause everything from delayed cognitive development and dulled reflexes, we now worry that our kids are spending too much time on their phones, just as our parents worried that we were spending too much time watching TV when we were younger.But all this time spent on their gadgets on the internet can have more dire consequences, affecting even the psychological development of the child. With so much information available on the internet, it's easy to access things that aren't meant for younger audiences, and the veil of anonymity afforded to those on the internet puts our kids at risk of cyber-bullying. Luckily, there are some small things you can do to make sure that your children remain healthy and happy, even while living in an age dominated by gadgets.
On TV and on Youtube, we see pop icons becoming less and less "family-friendly", and our children are exposed to these every single day as well. The best way to counter the negative effects of these icons is to talk to your child about their role models. Talk to them about what a role model should be, and help them find better role models. In recent years, we've seen some great names break the mold and emerge with truly remarkable characters, which your kids could turn to for inspiration. Credible Likeable Superstar Role Model might be a good start, an award-winning show that's captured the hearts of parents everywhere. The show features a "modern heroine", which Tootsa MacGinty describes is "not the over-sexualised-material-disney-girl that seems to have become the norm, but someone who would inspire our younger female generation". Find alternatives like these to counterbalance the people your children encounter on the internet.
Kids work best when given explicit instructions, and while they may be opposed to it, implementing a set window of time when they're allowed to use their gadgets can be extremely helpful. The world's leading tech CEOs actually ban their kids from using gadgets altogether, recognizing how difficult it is to manage and how distracting it can be. But if you've already allowed your kids to use smartphones and other gadgets before, simply sit down with the kids and talk about the possible schedules you can implement. There are many apps that you can use to help get your kids to stick to a schedule, like the revolutionary DinnerTime App, which lets you control your kids' devices remotely, instructing them when it's time for bed (or some other activity) and locking the phone so that they know they need to stop. What's really important is that you both come to an agreement when setting the schedule.
Have you ever struggled with your kids spending too much time on their devices? What methods did you put in place to make sure that they stay safe while having fun on their mobile devices? Let us know!
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