Prepare yourself: Know what to do if that dreaded day arrives when your child tells you they are being bullied

Pretending to be sick to avoid school, to coming home with new bruises and refusing to do homework -  may sound like your typical child, but these could also be signs of bullying. Many parents fear that their child could be a victim and it's not always easy to know when it's going on.
When I was studying for my Master's Degree I did a lot of research into bullying. Personally, the most devastating fact that I found was that teachers are usually the last to know that a child is being bullied. Thankfully this is not because we are incompetent, or we don't care but I still subsequently put my hand up to rewrite the bullying policy at the school I was working at to help the children to know what to do if they were bullied.

 How can you tell if your child is being bullied?

Bullying hurts. Children who are bullied can experience a range of negative outcomes including depression, anxiety, bedwetting, social withdrawal, lack of friends, loneliness, dislike or avoidance of school, poor academic performance and suicidal tendencies.

Look for:

• changes in behaviour, an outgoing child who becomes withdrawn, a child who had achieved night time continence may start wetting the bed, or changes in eating habits
• Increase in aggressive behaviours or bullying of siblings
• Unexplained injuries
• Increase in physical ailments like headaches or stomach aches, or pretending to be sick so they can stay home from school
• Lost or destroyed property
• Nightmares or sleep disturbances
• Feelings of helplessness or low self-esteem
• School avoidance or lack of interest in school work
• Drop in academic performance
• Reduced social contact with friends or loss of friendships

 What if you feel their behaviour has changed and you suspect it is because of bullying?

In that case it could be a good idea to start a conversation. Ask if there are any children who are being mean at school to the kids in his or her class? Tell  them stories of some things that happened when you were at school. This could help them open up.

 Why do some children try to hide the fact that they are being bullied?

Because they are embarrassed or believe if they tell someone the situation will only get worse.

What are the first steps a parent should take when they find out their child is being bullied?

Remember that bullying is different to 'kids being mean'. Bullying is when one person or group targets another repeatedly.

• Find out as much as you can about the situation (who is involved, how often it occurs, who knows about the bullying) then reassure your child that this is not their fault (bullying can be like a form of brainwashing where children begin to feel that they some how deserve what is happening).
• Contact the preschool or school. Ask about their bullying policy and get the school to clearly outline how the situation will be managed.  Ensure that there are regular follow-up meetings until you have reached a positive resolution.
• Get your child involved in activities that encourage independence, assertiveness and healthy peer relationships (e.g., sporting teams, cubs or scouts, dance, drama club).
• Encourage your child to behave assertively in threatening situations by teaching them specific skills such as responding to name calling (having ready and rehearsed responses is always helpful), making assertive statements ("That's fine if you think that but I do not agree"), and getting help from their peers (it is important that children feel they have someone who they can count on).
• Teach them  to use body language and non- emotive responses....  such as standing up straight and looking the bully in the eyes and appearing  bored.
• Teach compassion. Being bullied is not the child's fault. The bully has a problem with something in his/or her life.
•  Ask them what they have already tried so far to get what they want. The child might say that they asked them to stop and the child who was being mean didn't listen.
• Ask them what has worked, what they have seen others do/ what would a "role model" do?
• It is often easier for children to imagine someone else (maybe another child at school/kindy, or a character or sports star that they like and respect) dealing with the situation first. The next step is to imagine themselves doing the same.
• Ask your child what they teach them to do at school/kindy. Many schools are presently using the simple but effective High 5 Method. This is a problem solving method taught in schools to foster resilience, improved relationships and wellbeing of children.

Sometimes children aren't being bullied, but see it happening to their peers. What can they do to help?

Encourage them to be active bystanders.  E.g.  tell the bully to stop or they will report it. This is actually reportedly one of the best ways to stop another child being bullied.