To get children to tune into what you have to say we need to follow the advice of successful advertisers. You've only got a few seconds say the headline only. Coca-Cola doesn't say, we think you'll like Coca-Cola, it is black and fizzy, it was developed by scientists in Germany for medicinal purposes etc. etc. They say: Coca-Cola is the best drink, buy it now!
When a child is misbehaving you're lucky to get their attention at all, so don't push it by trying to explain WHY they have to change what they are doing. They won't be listening. You will be wasting oxygen and words. Teaching, or filling in the 'why' is for later when everyone is calm and not misbehaving.
Giving instructions once, is about being assertive and in charge, repeating yourself actually puts the child in charge. It tells them that you have got nothing else but to keep repeating yourself.
Giving the instruction clearly is about telling the child what you want them to do. We often tell children what we don't want them to do, which is too abstract for a child who is misbehaving.
Children change their behaviour more easily through replacement not erasure. It is too much to expect them to just stop behaviour without giving them something to replace it with.
E.g. Instead of, "Stop running in the house!!" say, "Sam, walk in the house. Thank-you."
Remember: Say thank-you at the end of the instruction, not please or 'O.K?' Saying thank you is polite and sends the message that you expect it to happen. It stops you from raising your voice at the end, which changes your clear directive into a question. Children are clever, if you ask them a question they know they have the right to answer either way!
|Posted in: being assertive Saying no to children in charge Children not listening to instructions parenting tips defiance getting along|
Pretending to be sick to avoid school, to coming home with new bruises and refusing to do homework - may sound like your typical child, but these could also be signs of bullying. Many parents fear that their child could be a victim and it's not always easy to know when it's going on.
When I was studying for my Master's Degree I did a lot of research into bullying. Personally, the most devastating fact that I found was that teachers are usually the last to know that a child is being bullied. Thankfully this is not because we are incompetent, or we don't care but I still subsequently put my hand up to rewrite the bullying policy at the school I was working at to help the children to know what to do if they were bullied.
Bullying hurts. Children who are bullied can experience a range of negative outcomes including depression, anxiety, bedwetting, social withdrawal, lack of friends, loneliness, dislike or avoidance of school, poor academic performance and suicidal tendencies.
In that case it could be a good idea to start a conversation. Ask if there are any children who are being mean at school to the kids in his or her class? Tell them stories of some things that happened when you were at school. This could help them open up.
Because they are embarrassed or believe if they tell someone the situation will only get worse.
Remember that bullying is different to 'kids being mean'. Bullying is when one person or group targets another repeatedly.
Encourage them to be active bystanders. E.g. tell the bully to stop or they will report it. This is actually reportedly one of the best ways to stop another child being bullied.
|Posted in: being assertive bullying what to do if my child is being bullied What to do if my child is being a bully anxiety symptoms|
Wowww! I personally have a lot of respect for Michael Carr Gregg. I always think his solutions to parent’s dilemmas are very practical, sensible and effective. That is why I was VERY surprised to read this report. It sounds like he has just had enough! I have added some ideas to help you say no at the end.
Following is a report written by Sarah Sedghi
A prominent Australian psychologist has warned Australia is currently raising a generation of spoilt brats, because their parents are "crap" and "never say no".
Dr Michael Carr-Gregg believes today's parents have a lot to answer for, and there may be serious long-term consequences for Australia.
Dr Carr-Gregg attributes the rise of poorly-behaved children to five major parenting problems.
"The first [problem] is that there are too many parents being doormats for their kids. They have got what I call a vitamin N deficiency, which is a failure to say no.
"It's incredibly important that parents set limits and boundaries and I don't know that that's happening at the moment."
Dr Carr-Gregg identified the "helicopter parent" as another "model of crap parenting" he was targeting in his work.
"The high-strung, control-freak parents that want to smother their kids with so much love and attention and monitoring and supervision that they never, ever develop any self-reliance and can't solve their own problems later on."
The Australian psychologist said he has seen ample evidence of the consequences to these types of parenting, not just in his own clinic but in schools around Australia.
The short-term consequences you can see in restaurants, waiting rooms and airports, these kids who are just completely feral, running out of control.
"We've had people moving to these artificial villages called cities, primarily to get jobs and in doing so, a lot of the kinship networks have been destroyed.
"A lot of the wisdom around parenting, which was derived from grandparents, for example, has no longer been so readily available."
The consequences of bad parenting has both short- and long-term effects, warned Dr Carr-Gregg.
"The short-term consequences you can see in restaurants and in waiting rooms and in airports throughout Australia, where you have these kids who are just completely feral, running out of control.
"Parents don't do anything about it because they're frightened of being seen as bad parents or frightened to say no."
Dr Carr-Gregg said this style of parenting has major effects on the mental health of children and adolescents as they grow up.
"Long-term, I think what we're doing is infantilising a lot of children into incompetence."
I think, from speaking to the parents that I work with that the real difficulty is to KEEP saying no. I would like to outline a couple of reasons why it is so important to persevere:
1. Children feel safe and supported when strong and fair boundaries are in place.
I always say to parents, imagine being 2 or 4 or 6 or even 12 knowing that you always get to make the decisions and that you are in charge. It would be a bit scary wouldn’t i? When children feel safe, knowing that a strong and fair adult is in charge, they can learn more, do more and are far more likely to develop at an age appropriate rate.
2. Saying no to your children will not harm their self-esteem.
In fact, research suggests that children with more freedom have lower self-esteem, whereas the clearer the rules and limits set by parents the higher the child’s self esteem. Remember self esteem = feeling good + doing well. NOT just feeling good. Expect your child to follow your rules and meet your expectations and surprisingly, they will actually feel better about themselves!
What to do: Start small. Ask yourself some questions. What do you think your child needs to learn right now? What boundaries do you need to put in place to help them learn this? Make this the area where you can be firm.
3. If you feel as if you are saying no to everything, try this:. Find a way to ‘yes’
On many occasions, children ask us for something, and we want to say no. Try using if …. then or when ….. then statements instead. For example, your child may ask, “May I watch T.V?” Instead of saying no, you can reply, “When you finish your homework….. then you may watch T.V.”
I hope you fing these ideas helpful as you continue to take a stand and say no.
|Posted in: being assertive Michael Carr - Gregg Saying no to children Children not listening to instructions parenting tips|
One of the most important things I teach new parents is how to trust themselves. Nowhere is this more daunting than when a new baby comes into our life. We’re expected to know everything and yet we feel like we know nothing. But children have taught me that this knowing-nothing can be a real opportunity to open our powers of intuition.
Take a tip from your baby. Look into your baby’s eyes. Imagine what it feels like to be conscious of the world before you have language, before all those labels that scare us and divide things into good and bad, right and wrong. Babies have no enemies. This is seeing from the source. It is what Zen Buddhists call “beginner’s mind.” Watch closely how your baby breathes with his belly. This is Qigong breathing. Stop thinking for a moment and try breathing this way. You may just find the answers you need waiting for you there.
|Posted in: being assertive parenting tips anxiety|
Here is the second article on how to cope with bullying written by Dr Kathrine for Drynites Australia. They have asked me to share them with you. I was very happy to do so, please let me know if you are finding them useful as they have many to share. www.drynites.com.au.
Children can go to great lengths to hide the fact that they are being bullied. They may do this because they are embarrassed or believe if they tell someone the situation will only get worse. So how can you tell if your child is being bullied?
Keep in mind not all children who are being bullied will show warning signs and some of these behaviours may also be indicative of something else going on in your child’s life:
Encouraging your child to stand up for others
When victims of bullying do tell someone, it is most often their friends, followed by their parents, with teachers often being the last to know. Children who are witnesses to bullying are referred to as bystanders. Bystanders have three main roles, they can assist and encourage the bully (bully assistant), they can passively watch the bullying (witnesses), or they can actively intervene to support the victim and try to stop the bullying (defenders). Bullying, when confronted with a caring and responsive peer group is significantly reduced.
|Posted in: being assertive bullying parenting tips anxiety stressed children getting along|